In the past, I’ve really not thinking about the loading business. But as long as it goes in my life, there’s no easy business or work you’ve really get into. You finally have to understand the feeling being pocketless in your pocket. Why?


Sometimes I feel guilty inside my mind thinking about the things I’m really get into. But inside at the back of my head, it is something that I don’t want to get pass into. To have what’s inside sometimes I lead into wrong answers. Of course I felt guilty in the past. I’ve been running into circles in my whole life. I jump to another conclusion that I really don’t know the answer. Whenever what’s inside at the back of my head, maybe somehow I’m considering my whole life to consider what’s best for me.


After I’ve had graduated in college in Center for Culinary Arts (or CCA), things were around the circles. Working outside was really a difficult choice. Whenever what you got a job, it considered that was your biggest risk. My biggest risk that I had a choice was working in different places. I’ve considered my biggest fact was choosing culinary. I didn’t listen to my own opinions. My opinions were to choose University of the Philippines or University of Santo Tomas. But none of them failed in my own hands. Because I wasn’t to educate myself to enroll in highest universities in the country. It was my mom if I didn’t have to pass. But she was right. Choosing culinary certificate over theatre arts in UP or music arts in UST was worth to pass in my level.


But it became one of my facts that I dealt the wrong feelings, a doubt. Yes sometimes, we allow to doubt to ourselves. It doesn’t really considering me the fact I was really enjoying the culinary years. I met a wonderful chef instructors and have met their expectations. Sometimes I felt the guilt inside my feelings. After I’ve graduated in culinary years, my first job I’ve landed was a chef consultant and chef assistant to my mom’s friend. It considered my biggest break, but it only lasted two months in front of St. Jude Nursing School at Sampaloc, Manila. During that time, I was addicted playing online games. In fact, I lost my effort and time to choose my decisions being as a chef.


Whenever I have another job, there was always a question at the back of my head. It was a doubt again. But I’ve never stood of my feelings were. My second job I’ve landed was working in Sacocina Catering owned by Ignacio family. It wasn’t a perfect job for me. But I stood for my feelings in my work. So I’ve worked in my second job for only three months. It was dealing me between my feelings and the job itself. But then, she have said to me that this job wasn’t meant for me. Maybe she was right. In fact, I was already quitting culinary at the top of my depression years. It was during 2005.


Upon that, maybe it felt my feelings crossing in my veins and at the back of my head thinking if I was doing right decisions. I’ve quitted culinary years for almost 8 years being not practicing my culinary skills. But my culinary knowledge haven’t gone out at the back of my head. So I kept my knowledge whenever I have learned from my culinary years. But I kept mum and silent in 6 years.


When loading business have entered in 2006, my mom enrolled me to have my own loading business. I found loading business as a boring business at the start of few months. But I’ve never thought it was good for my addiction in games. So I’ve enrolled in different game online platforms like Ragnarok, Khan Online, Flyff Online, Perfect World and Ran Online. They were the only online platforms that I was really hooked on before. But I have said to myself it was good to get rid of my stress during my first year in loading business.


Stress was my feelings to get rid of my depression times. I grew my hair in three years. I was melodramatic and emotionally stress at home thinking if I was worthless, not accepting of who I was, or if I was an adopted child in the family. It was really emotionally depressed and frustrated of who I was. During that time, I’ve not decided if I really have Down syndrome as one of my special condition. I wasn’t aware because of that. It was a pain at the back of my head.


After long of waiting two years later on, my loading business grew larger in numbers when we moved to another location. My addiction in games haven’t kept me off. I kept my online accounts alive. But after we have experienced a flash flood that in Cainta, it was a greatest fear of my life. My depression and my frustration somehow brought me back inside again. But it kept off me finally from my addiction in games. I’ve learned my lessons. But my loading business kept me alive after I’ve learned many lessons in life.


In 2009 when I went back for my biggest dreams have keeping me alive. Drawing kept me stronger. And so was the writing. Writing for me was my biggest passion of my life. I’ve kept my writing skills throughout the years but it didn’t stop me to improve my skills in English language and English literature. Loading business was the one who have kept me alive in six years and ten months already. As I’ve got out from my depression and frustration in 2011. I’ve joined in multi-level marketing or networking bandwagon. It was UNO have kept me hopes bringing out my depression and frustrations in my life. Everyday, I spent my money from my loading business in five months. I’ve shredded my long hair bye-bye in 2009 when I’ve enrolled myself back in digital school.


Then one moment came in to my life. It was the biggest fact that I’ve finally learned my special condition to be accepted in 2011. It was the end of my depression and frustrations that year. And of course when I learned where I was belong, I found the organization or group of Down Syndrome Association of the Philippines or DSAPI. In fact, I began to become a member last December 2012. And there were many blessings came in to my life last year and this year.


I’ve enrolled myself to have my own and first postal ID last September 2012. Then another milestone that I got was to get in front of the audience becoming a guest speaker. Being having with a special condition of Down syndrome was my biggest blessing for me. Because if I wasn’t able to learn what my special condition was, I won’t able to write here in a long story. And in fact, I got my first passport that I’ve enrolled myself in DFA Megamall. I’ve said to my parents that it was already a milestone for me. One step to another step was considering the fact I was following for my dreams – a writer + an artist (and + an actor as one of my biggest dreams).


And so I got also my first PWD ID last month. Now I was finally getting to my independent stage ready for my age with a help of my loading business for six years and ten months that kept me alive. This loading business is worth saving my financial crisis without a day to earn. In the past years of my life, it really saved me much. Now I am aiming to get 12k from my loading business to enroll myself in an audition in Star Magic Circle auditions next year or this year.


As I’ve always said to myself that I would never give up of my dreams. And one of my biggest inspiration icon who also saved me was Rico Yan. My dreams is waiting for me, now I’m facing my dreams waiting for me to gain exposure in the public television.