Every single day you ask me why I am not as seen as Down syndrome. It’s because it’s not a hindrance to me anymore. Disability as they speak, or not as disability as the others seems they don’t believe in it. One day, I ask them also why I am standing in my little shadows. I conquer my fears and doubts that has been casting away all my hatred, depression and frustrations from my life. I firmly believe that I also can do what others can do – in order to reach the highest goals.

~Status message in facebook, March 16, 2014, Sunday, 9:17 p.m.

 

No labels as Down syndrome: Conquering the new fear

No labels as Down syndrome: Conquering the new fear

 

It helped me to think at the back of my head that it would be another conquering one of my greatest fear: social sharing. It was the time that built my character that I spoke from my words. And sometimes when I shared my thoughts to anybody else, I would like to share my greatest fear – doubting myself to nothing.

 

I have being what you called me as a disability. And being as a disability for me don’t label me anymore as being having with Down syndrome. I set my days to be told and the days have been set me free. I always tell myself if I can do it more like as a motivational speaker. And I was once a guest speaker in University of Santo Tomas who I spoke to graduating students and educational students as they are becoming special education teachers someday. I was welcomed and became red teary from that moment.

 

One student who approached me in the facebook and chatted with me if I can go to the University of Santo Tomas. I was glad to take an opportunity to speak in the crowd. And a crowd was filled different participating special schools from Padre Burgos, Cupertino and from Metro Manila area, with teachers and volunteers in participating schools. I was scared at the time. But since it was first time. My anxiety became once my fear.

 

What is my greatest fear? Anxiety that it was called. But I loved to talk to someone I really knew. To someone I barely know, I wouldn’t talk to the stranger. My parents have really said to me that I wouldn’t talk to the strangers. But when the time I walked-in to the school I wanted really had a job. It offered me as an assistant teacher job. I met a wonderful boss. And I thought at the back of my head that he really was a bossy that time. Little by little, I became part with him also. Day by day when we talked, and night by night that I chatted even in text messages.

 

What was my fear again? It got lost. The anxiety inside of me has changed. And able to talk to new stranger, it coped from my problems. I’ve had been in denial stage since the day I’ve graduated the year of 2003. But from my hindrance before, the learning stage I’ve been through. It was dated back since the year of 1997. I learned that I’ve being condition as Down syndrome. And what it told me? It ate my pride. And I ate the word of anxiety. I became lost. I became desperate finding my answers. And years that I’ve had been in depression, frustration and hatred. What I have become to have my condition. Was it okay to move forward? And I have said that I was really lost.

 

My life since 1997 up to the present has been changed from the learning stage to in denial stage and to acceptance stage.

 

Learning stage

 

I love science before even up to now. And I began loving to draw even higher creative details to imaginative details. That moment I learned how I made science making real traditional artist. I drew a thousand science pictures from one book. And I was once a hundred percent student who loved drawing arts in science. In fact, when I found myself having with Down syndrome in my sophomore year in high school. I’ve withdrew with my stance and my post. I lost my confidence. So I hid from my emotions. That was the year of 1997 when I was still in my sophomore year in high school.

 

In denial stage

 

Knowing that I’ve been graduated from high school in the year of 2000 and moved on to the culinary years that I’ve entered in my prestigious culinary school in the Philippines, Center for Culinary Arts. And the moment I stepped in that school, all the things were different from my previous school. I lost my confidence. And I lost my conscience making up where I will go. My dreams shattered. University of the Philippines, University of Santo Tomas and La Salle College was the top choices I’ve wanted to go in. If I went in UP, I would be bested in theatre arts. If I went in UST, I would be bested in music. Or if I went in La Salle, I would be fitted in multimedia arts, music or any related course that I went in. But my pride fell. So I listened to my mother’s advices. I ate my own words and my anxiety grew powerful.

 

Anxiety made me angry every day and every night. Eventually I went deeper in my frustrations and depression mood. It was because what it happened during my sophomore year in high school. I learned the fact that I’ve being what it takes to be as a hindrance having with Down syndrome. I dived into my fears and doubts that I couldn’t reached in my biggest dreams – to enter in the entertainment industry. My mom enrolled me in dancing lessons during I was in my culinary years. And I enjoyed my stay and learned the basics of dancing. Eventually I learned how to dance hip-hop, ballet and traditional dancing also.

 

I felt my agony. I felt bitterness. I felt my depression. And my frustration would became wider and wider. When my two elder sisters were here, they stopped me drowning into fears as I almost went to suicide. But I couldn’t do it. Because I was afraid of myself. And the anxiety grew bigger and bigger inside of my personality.

 

Acceptance stage

 

The year of 2011 came into my life when I started to post some products I’ve wanted to have retailer down to my name. It was then, the networking came to my life, or so as to be called as multi-level marketing. I was fresh blood and didn’t knew the word of networking. So I joined in June 2011. Petrified that I was inside the networking company. All in the audience inside the establishment building shouted and said, “I am abnormal to become richer one day.” One word that has changed me instantly. What was the word I was called during my elementary and high school days? It was the word of sped. That word derived from the word of retarded. I began to wake up in reality and stopped what I was doing things that I didn’t like.

 

I only lasted in networking days about five months, almost as six months regular employee. Since that day, I’ve accepted my condition being having with Down syndrome and grew my confidence. But I didn’t know the genetically lessons about Down syndrome. I’ve been introduced through my relative’s friend who was been in Davao. They were both volunteers because they were both taking in special education course. Then Down Syndrome Association of the Philippines has been introduced into my ears in January 2012. I went to listen awareness in February annual Happy Walk, the yearly advocating month of Down syndrome.

 

And I became a member in December 2012. Blessings poured me down. Last year was a roller coaster. I didn’t have a job. My sister was getting married in September. What should I do? I asked myself. Then one incident came to my life. I did have experience to have a girlfriend last May 2013. But it only lasted 8 days of relationship. Then it pushed me getting a new job. So I walked in. And the unexpected job came to my life – being as an assistant sped teacher.

 

Anxiety acceptance stage

 

The last and not the least stage is my anxiety acceptance stage. A hindrance of Down syndrome is no longer part of my life or better to be called as no labels as Down syndrome. My boss said it was better for me to move on. And I did.

 

All my anxiety inside of my personality exchanged with new meanings: determination, acceptance, appreciation and confidence. Four words from one word, I drained all of my anxiety sickness. And the anxiety sickness I already overcame.

 

No labels as Down syndrome, what else is new? It decides to be conquering new fears.

 

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